


The Red Prom (Or The Unexpected Virtue of Treason)

by jonsnoe



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Comedy, F/F, F/M, Fuck the King, M/M, Memes, Mmm whatcha sayyy, Prom, Tumblr Memes, Uptown Funk, crackfic, the red wedding but prom version
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-15
Updated: 2017-07-26
Packaged: 2018-03-17 19:59:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3542009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jonsnoe/pseuds/jonsnoe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All of the internet memes get together in one single two-chapter fic.</p><p>A story about death, alcohol, lust and betrayal. If you cried with The Red Wedding, you'll cry with The Red Prom, but tears of laughter this time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've never watched SNL's sketch of Mmmm whatcha sayyy, I recommend you to watch it before you read this fic! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmd1qMN5Yo0

“BUT MUUUUUUM!” Robb Stark cried as he walked down the Westeros mall with his lady mother. “I don’t wanna go to prom with Walda Frey!”

“Listen, you sick fuck,” Catelyn Stark replied, “You’ll do this for our company’s sake. Our alliance with Frey Wheels will help us get filthy rich and tear down Lannincest fucking Motors. Taking Walda to prom will be the best marketing strategy; you two will appear in every magazine in the country when you’re chosen as Prom King and Queen.”

“But I _really_ like Jeyne, though. She’s super hot and prom will be **bananas** with her.”

“I didn’t raise you to be such a spoiled fucking brat,” Catelyn said sharply. “So why don’t you stop whining?  We need this to buy our third house in the Free Cities. So keep walking, we have to find you a fineass tuxedo to embroider it later with the Stark Motors direwolf.”

Robb sighed in discomfort and kept following his mother around the Mall. “Yes, mummy.” He added. 

* * *

“Guess what, bitcheeeeees! I got asked to prom today!” Arya Stark yelled with excitement as she sat at the dinner table with her brothers and sisters.

“And who’s the loser?” said Sansa, not averting her eyes from her iPhone. “Who would take your ugly _horseface_ ass to prom? That’s social suicide.” Arya gave her a death stare. “You sure it isn’t part of a bet? Is he even _human_?”

“At least she has a date, though.” Jon muttered under his breath, and the whole table laughed (even Cat).

“It’s Gendry from 12th grade. He likes mechanics and shit, just like you guys, except he is super hot and has a killer six-pack.” Arya bragged cheerfully.

“Oh, cool.” Said Rickon, the youngest lad.

“Rickon! Shut the front door!” said Bran, annoyed by his little brother’s constant intrusion on teens’ stuff. Rickon had been playing the Lordling of Winterfell and shit, little did he know he would never be the Lord of _anything_. Bran and Robb would be the ones to inherit their parents’ business empire.

“What the fu...” Rickon was interrupted by a quick but soft backhand of his lady mother on his burning right cheek. “Fudge! I was going to say fudge, mum!”

“Go to your room and play with your pokemons and shit,” Sansa bade at once. Rickon stood up and left the room with small steps, a single tear running down his cheek.

“Right…anyway,” Arya continued, “Who are you taking to prom, Jon?”

“I’m going with this chick from St. Rayder High School, her name is Ygritte.” Said Jon with an unexpected grin.

“You’re going with a girl from a PUBLIC school?” Cat frowned, unable to hide her hatred for her dead husband’s bastard son.

“Yeah, she’s awesome, loves sports and Ramones,” said Jon.

“But what about the girls in our school, though?” asked Sansa, confused by her half-brother’s choice of a date. “What about, I don’t know, Margaery Tyrell? Daenerys Targaryen? Arianne Martell?”

“As if they would go with such a hipster kid like Jon,” said Bran.

“For the thousandth time, I’m NOT A HIPSTER,” said Jon as he pushed up his big, round glasses. “I just see the world differently.”

“Honey, that’s the definition of hipster,” Sansa rolled her eyes.

“GODS! Everyone here is taking whoever they want to prom!” Robb scowled. They all simultaneously turned to Cat as she stabbed the table with a kitchen knife, her face reflecting pure fury.

“Enough,” she said. She was too tired to have this conversation again. “I’m going to bed for a few days. I also need to get my foot massage and my daily anti-aging sauna sessions. Bran, good luck asking Meera to prom tomorrow.“ She stood and took her leave.

“Thanks, mum” Bran replied. He knew his mum was a total drunken hysterical pretentious unbearable bitch, but she could be good at times.

* * *

As Bran Stark _hodored_ into Winterhell High School, he stumbled upon Joffrey Baratheon, the son and heir to Lannister Motors, his family’s biggest competitors.

“What’s up, Stark? Heard who I’m going to prom with?” Joffrey said to him. “Margaery fucking Tyrell, of course. Are you even _going_ to the party? I mean, you won’t be able to dance or anything, you know.” Joffrey hectored.

“Leave him alone, mate.” Said Meera as she appeared behind him. “Who the fuck cares if he can dance or not? I’ve heard about your dancing skills, I hope Margaery doesn’t get bored of your same white boy moves all night. But whoawhoahawhoa, don’t take it personally, mate. I don’t want any shootings in this school or anything.”

“Hodor,” Hodor agreed.

“You little bitch. Who the fuck do you think you are? You think you can just come out of your stinky shitted swamp and tell me what to do?” Joffrey put in, sassily as usual.

“Hey, Joff! Come here, mate!” yelled Ramsay and his squad from the other side of the hallway.

“Yeah, Joff, go away” Bran mocked him. Joffrey opened his mouth to say something else, but he just turned around and left to meet his squad. Bran turned to Meera, gathered up the courage, and looked her dead in the eye. “Also. Meera. Do you wanna go to prom with me?”

Her lips slowly curved upwards.

* * *

“What are you talking about?!” Walda Frey asked Robb, confused by his words.

“I’m sorry, Walda. I just can’t go to prom with you. Jeyne is my one true love. I know it for a fact. I _have_ to take her to prom. I hope this doesn’t stir things up between our families or anything.”

“Oh, no no no. Don’t worry, it won’t.” Walda said bitchily. _It will completely fuck it up._

“Great. Let’s go to class, then.” Robb grinned, unaware of her bitchiness.

“Umm, I can’t right now. I have to talk to Headmaster Lannister about…something, see you around!”

“See ya!” Robb replied and left for class, completely oblivious of her sly smile.

* * *

“Dad, I just CAN’T believe this is happening right now.” Walda told her father, Walder Frey, with whom she was talking on speaker on her phone in Tywin Lannister’s office. Lannister was the Headmaster of Winterhell High, but on his free time, he also worked as the C.F.O. of Lannister Motors.

“Who is this? Maria? Shanaynay? Walda? Judy? Scarlett? Big Tits Laura?” asked Walder on the phone.

“It’s Walda, the first,” she answered as she crossed her arms. “We need Robb Stark back.”

“Mr. Frey, if I may,” the Headmaster intervened, pacing around his office. “The Starks are in bankruptcy. Wouldn’t you consider _another_ alliance?  You would certainly get more out of it.”, he stroked his beard.

“I’m listening,” said Walder on the phone.

“Lannister Motors’ sales are increasing by the second, and we would never betray our partners. What do you say? Let’s tear down the Starks together?”

“Fucking yes,” said Walder, “let’s make those little bitches pay for what they did to my Jud-Walda.” 

* * *

The day of Prom arrived. After having McAegon’s for lunch, Margaery Tyrell´s clique were at her house getting ready for the big night, along with Loras Tyrell and Renly Baratheon. The sun shone into the living room and made the colors of their dresses come to life.

“Oh goody, Arianne, that dress looks gorgeous on you. It totally matches your shoes,” said Renly. “I bet my sweet back Theon will love it too. Don’t you think, Loras?”

“Sure, darling, it looks delightful.” added Loras, examining carefully Arianne’s red dress.

“We gotta hurry to get ready for the pictures. Besides, the boys will be here soon.” Said Margaery, smirking like she knew exactly when the world was going to end. She turned to Sansa.  “Sweetie, you look so pretty”, she added as she stroked her long auburn hair.

Sansa blushed. People always reminded her how beautiful she was, but it felt different this time. “Thanks, hun, you too”, she added shyly. ”I’m 100% sure you’ll end up being Prom Queen. No one’s more popular than you in Winterhell High.”

Margaery smiled with her usual confidence. “Oh, honey, you’re so sweet, I want to eat you up.”

“Lord Ass... I mean, Loras, sweetling, wear the red bow tie instead of the black one. It would totally ruin the aesthetic.” Renly added.

Daenerys Targaryen bursted into the room. All eyes on her. Her silver blonde hair gleamed at the setting sun and lighted up the whole room. Margaery drooled, but she rapidly wiped it with the back of her hand. She hoped Sansa hadn’t noticed.

“Wow, Dany…your white and gold dress is gorgeous! You look like a queen.” Arianne squeaked.

“I’m a Khaleesi, not a queen. For fuck’s sake, mate!” Daenerys remarked. “And what are you even talking about? My dress is blue and black. Go get your eyes checked.”

“Blue and black? They scammed you, honey.” Renly let out a cocky laugh. “I only see white and gold here as well.”

Daenerys opened her mouth and put one hand on her waist. “I will not waste precious hours of prom day by bringing back a stupid ass meme, now get your stuff together and finish getting ready, people! Daario will be here at four with Joff, Theon and Sandor for the pictures, so I hope you’re ready at that time.”

Margaery sat on a chaise longue to put on her golden shoes. “So…Daario, you like that guy, don’t you?” She asked Dany, raising an eyebrow.

“I don’t know, I’ve just met him and he’s kinda hot, but…no. I don’t think anything will happen between us. Why? Do you want to fuck him or something, slut?!” Dany joked and everyone in the room laughed.

“Ladies!” Olenna Tyrell walked into the room and everyone stiffened. “Ugh, you all look gorgeous. Listen, I need to have a girl to girl conversation with all of you.” She sat on the empty couch.

“So you want us to leave or…?” Loras asked, looking at his grandmother and then at Renly.

“Nah, you’re perfect right where you are, grandson.”

“What is it, Nana?” Margaery sat down next to her. Olenna exhaled deeply and put her hands together.

“I know everyone in this room is of age, and I know the school has agreed to have an open bar the whole night with every damn drink on this planet.” The girls exchanged looks of excitement. “But please, don’t make a fool of yourselves. Party hard but don’t end up unconscious on the dance floor _, as I’m sure some boys will_. I hope Varys, the barman, will be cautious about how much alcohol they serve you all. However, when it comes to boys, well, let’s just say that it’s happy hour. _That_ bar is always open, make good use of it.”

“Don’t worry, Mrs. T.” Arianne smiled. “We know how to take care of ourselves.”

“Good. My point is you don’t need alcohol to get men. They will come to you anyway. When I was your age, boys spread around me faster than the swine flu. I got lucky so many times a week, I grew some killer muscles. I even-“

“Nana,” Loras interrupted, “I think we get your point.”

“Fine. I just wanted to make sure you will enjoy yourselves tonight.” She stood up and stopped at the door. “Ugh, you girls keep me young.” she added, before taking her leave.

* * *

The students and their couples got out of the bus, and most of them were already drunk.

“I just don’t understand what was the hurry of getting wasted in the bus if there’s an open bar here at the party,” Sansa told Margaery and Arianne, who could barely step out of the bus properly. Arianne almost fell a couple of times but fortunately her date, Theon Greyjoy, caught her firmly.

“I’m NOT wasted, though!” Margaery said, approaching Sansa. “Just a _little bit_ tipsy, sweetie.” Her arm delicately surrounded Sansa’s neck while they walked towards the entrance with their couples. Sansa smiled nervously.

Theon scowled. “Is that Walda Frey? With Ramsay Snow?” Everyone turned around. “Wasn’t she Robb’s date?”

“My mum’s gonna be so freaking mad.” Sansa told Sandor. But he wasn’t listening. His thoughts were only about chickens. _Were they going to serve chicken at the prom? The ones from McAegon’s?_  He hoped with all his heart.

“Is she?” Robb appeared behind Sansa, with Jeyne Westerling by his arm. “Sweet sis, mum getting angry will be totally worth it after coming to prom with my one true love baby girl Jeyne.”

“Ummm…I need an explanation,” said Sansa, ignoring Jeyne’s presence. “Otherwise I’ll tell mum about this.” Jeyne’s jaw dropped sassily.

“There is nothing to explain. I can go to prom with whoever the fuck I want without any permission of my mum whatsoever or any mother fucker whiny ass stupid fuck that wants to tell me what to do. So, now, cut the bullshit, Sansa. You won’t tell mum shit, right?”

“Damn right, I will.” Sansa answered at once, surprised by her brother’s sudden hostility. She grabbed Sandor’s arm, turned around swiftly so that her long hair hit Robb in the face, and went back to her clique.

 

“Alright, everybody,” said Professor Jaime Lannister, elegant as always, standing next to his wife, Brienne, the P.E. teacher. “Make a line to enter the party so we can take a picture of each couple before you little pricks end up bloody sprawled around the whole place. I can already sense the sour smell…AND IT AIN’T ME.”

Everyone grabbed their dates and paraded their way in, couple by couple. The flashing lights were blinding, the music was pumping in everyone’s ears, and people were running to the dance floor and gathering around the bar, while DJ Hodor dropped the bass and barman Varys served the most exotic of drinks. Bran Stark was having the time of his life sitting on Hodor’s shoulders and moving his arms to the beat of the music.

Sansa watched Arianne and Margaery as they finished another tequila shot.

“So,” Arianne leaned towards Margaery and whispered in her ear, “Who’s gonna have more hook ups tonight?”

“I bet your sweet delicious luscious tender perfectly round dornish tight ass- where was I? Oh right, it’s gonna be me, honey, it’s in my blood. You heard my Nana.”

Sansa felt a shiver up her spine as she heard Arianne and Margaery talking so intimately, and to top it off, I Wanna Know What Love is by Foreigner was playing in the background.

“But my first prey will be Joffrey, it would be rude not to make out with him if he’s my date.” Margaery gave a quick glance to Sansa, and almost drooled again. 

* * *

Arya finished her Peruvian Pisco shot and led Gendry to meet her brother, Jon.

“My sweet, sweeeeeet bro! I love you soooo much! Did you know thaaaaaaaaaaat? Did you?” she said as she hugged Jon tightly. His date, Ygritte, burst into laughter.

“What did you make her drink, mate?” Jon asked Gendry, hugging Arya back.

“Some Peruvian shit,” Gendry answered "Varys said it’s the bomb.”

“Yeah, those drinks are tight as hell.” Ygritte contributed, her orange dress matched her red hair. “I had one too, and now I feel like I could do anything.” She said, and took Gendry’s face in her hands and kissed him right on the lips.

Jon and Arya squeaked in horror.

“WHATTHEFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-” Arya roared. _Fear cuts deeper than swords._ She pulled Gendry away from Ygritte and gave him a passionate kiss. Jon squirmed at the sight of their tongues intertwining.

“I think I’ll go get another drink.” Said Jon, overwhelmed by the awkwardness and trying to conceal his disappointment on Ygritte. _I knew nothing about her._

“Do you want me to come with you?” She asked him.

“No, no,” Jon shook his head, expressionless as always, staring at the ground. “I’ll go on my own.”

* * *

“So how’s your night going, my dear Varys?” A very tipsy Daenerys asked the barman.

“It is good. Thank you, darling.” He answered. “Although today I had a terrible argument with my boyfriend, Petyr.”

“Oh no, tell me everything, sweetheart. Don’t keep it to yourself!”

Varys hesitated. “Well, as you know, he is not only the owner of McAegon’s, he is a shareholder of Lannister Motors as well.” He sighed. “He has developed a queer obsession for LM. He's haunted by the thought of the company going bankrupt if a spoiled little arse took over it.”

“And what will he do?” Daenerys asked surprised, covering her mouth.

Varys breathed deeply and continued, “He didn’t tell.” _Although I have my own ways of finding out,_ Varys thought to himself.

* * *

 

Jon leaned on the bar, he was about to order a glass of wine when he noticed Daenerys Stubborn of the House Targaryen, First of Her Name, Heir to the Andals Oil Company, Heir to Meereen Inc., Khaleesi of the Great Weed Stash, Breaker of Hearts and Mother of Booties was standing beside him.

“Varys, I will have a Peruvian Pisco, please.” the girl said.

“Right away,” the eunuch answered and took out the bottle.

“Better not,” Jon told her. She turned to him.

“Have we met before?” she asked him.

“I’m Sansa’s half-brother, yes.”

“Ah, you must be Ned Stark’s bastard. Jon Snow, am I right? Why don’t you want me to drink the Pisco, Jon Snow?”

“Well, I just saw two ladies get way too affectionate with a dude after only one shot.” He replied as he adjusted his glasses. Daenerys nodded. Varys gave her the Pisco and she handed Jon the shot.

“Why don’t _you_ drink it, then?” she said as she raised an eyebrow.

Although Jon was rather mopey and boring at parties, no pretty girl had ever flirted with him. So he eagerly took the shot from her hands and drank it all.

* * *

“ARIANNE, LOOK!” said Margaery, pointing at Jon and Daenerys, who were leaning on the bar, talking and giggling with just a few inches between them. “They’re totally gonna fuck each other’s brains out.”

“Let the girl have fun, Marg. You know she’s always had a secret fetish for hipster kids and shit like that.” _Though I must admit I too love to play with Snowballs_.

“Alright then,” Margaery smirked. “That leaves Daario bootylicious Naharis to me.”

“If you say so,” Arianne laughed, “Well, you already hooked up with my date.”

“And you already hooked up with mine, bitch. Love ya!” She blew her a kiss and took her leave.

* * *

 

Sansa couldn’t take her eyes off Margaery as she sauntered over to meet Daario. It had been hard not to stare while Joffrey’s tongue snaked into Margaery’s mouth in the dance floor, then Theon’s, and now it would be Daario’s. She thought she wouldn’t be able to bear it no longer. She had to act fast.

“Marg!” she said as she ran to her. When she was about to pull her away from Daario, she tripped and fell right next to them. Daario started laughing hysterically.

“Sansa, sweetie!” she extended her a hand. As Sansa stood up, they noticed her dress had been ripped off on the lower part.

“Oh, shit,” Sansa barked.

“Let me help you. Why don’t we go to the bathroom and figure out how to fix it?”

Sansa blushed with excitement. “Okay, then.”

* * *

 

They walked across the dance floor to the bathroom and Sansa realised Margaery was still holding her hand. She felt lightness in her chest. They walked into a stall so nobody would notice how bad her dress looked, and to her surprise, Margaery locked the door. They both leaned over to check the rupture and their foreheads bumped.

“Ouch!” Margaery squeaked and giggled. “Oh, you stupid little dove.” Sansa could sense the alcohol in her breath. “Are you okay?” She raised Sansa’s chin. Sansa stared into her eyes, nervously, and saw lust mixed with liters of alcohol. She was so anxious she averted her eyes from hers, and looked at the opened loo.

“Oh,” she added as nervous as her dad on his beheading day, “looks like somebody forgot to flush the loo.” She leaned to flush it and took advantage of the closeness of their faces, and they locked their lips together. 

* * *

“Yeah, totally!” Daenerys told Jon, grinning. “I’m a huge fan of Arctic Weekend and The Vampire Strokes!”

“So am I!” He took a sip of his cup of wine. “Honestly, they should play their songs in these parties, instead of all this shitty mainstream music.”

“You must admit Arctic Weekend is getting kind of mainstream, though. You heard their last album?”

“Yeah, but still, I liked them before they were cool.” Jon pushed up his big, round glasses once more.

“Same.”

He was about to put his cup on the bar when he accidentally spilled red wine on Daenerys’ dress.

“Shit, I’m sorry,” he apologized approximately three thousand times while Daenerys tried to clean her dress with some napkins. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! I hope I didn’t ruin your blue and black dress.”

“You saw it blue and black too?” Daenerys’ face lighted up. He was the first person to tell her the right dress colors. So without hesitation, she buried her fingers on his dark, curly hair, pulled him towards her and drilled her tongue into his mouth, kissing him so hard his big ass glasses almost fell five times. She broke the kiss, held him by the hand, and they ran across the whole place to the empty bus in the parking lot. 

* * *

After a significant amount of time, when they went back to the party, the music was interrupted by an announcement made by Professor Tyrion. “And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for!” he stood on the DJ’s stage with an envelope in his hands. “We’ve counted your votes, and…it’s time to announce this year’s Prom King and Queen!” the place was filled with cheers and screams of excitement. “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Lorde started playing, accurate for the moment.

“Alright, alright, alright,” Professor Tyrion said in a Matthew McConaughey-like voice. “Chill the fuck out, children. Let’s do this quickly ‘cause I’ve been _dying_ to find out too.” He opened the envelope and took out the paper inside it. “And this year’s Prom dictators- sorry, I mean, King and Queen, are…” he stared down at all the students from the top of the stage.

“HURRY THE FUCK UP!” Arya Stark yelled from behind.

“Marggggg….ROBB STARK AND JEYNE WESTERLING, FUCKERS!”

“What the fuck?!” Joffrey Baratheon threw his Pisco shot at his uncle, who ducked just in time. Everyone clapped and screamed and congratulated the King and Queen as they walked towards the stage. Daenerys looked around the room to see where Margaery was. _She must be devastated._ She realized Margaery was running to her with Sansa by her side, their hair was a mess, and she noticed Sansa’s dress rupture.

“Did I miss something?” Margaery said, drunk as she could be.

“Just look at the stage, you drunk slut.” Daenerys told her and Margaery gaped.

“My mum’s _totally_ gonna lose her shit,” Sansa scowled. She hugged Margaery, who was holding back her tears. She realized Jon was _smiling_ and his hair was also a mess. “What happened to you?” she asked him.

“She happened,” he answered drunkenly, staring at Daenerys. Sansa turned to face her.

“Why, let’s just say your brother’s my new Khal” Daenerys smirked as playfully as Margaery usually did. “We were just gibbering about pillars and stones”.

“You mean you were _playing_ with a pillar and stones,” Jon added with a grin. Daenerys blushed. Sansa was speechless. She was about to reproach Dany, but then remembered what she was doing five minutes ago with Marg and blushed. She couldn’t stop thinking about it. When they broke the kiss, Margaery smiled seductively and looked at her like she knew exactly the first time Sansa had jerked off. She had told her earlier that night: “I almost drooled at the sight of your soft pillowy luscious succulent fleshy lips”. Afterwards, the stall swayed back and forth fiercely.

 

Daenerys grabbed them by the arm and led them to the dance floor. The four of them were dancing and jumping to Uptown Funk.

“TOO HOT. HOT DAMN! MAKE A DRAGON WANNA RETIRE, MAN!” Daenerys yelled, delighted of how identified she felt with the lyrics.

Suddenly, DJ Hodor stopped the music. Everyone started booing him. “Hodor”, he said, as a hooded person pushed him away to take his place.

“What the fuck just happened?!” The Prom King yelled, as intrigued as all the other students.

And then a song started playing: _“Mmmmm whatcha say, oh that you only meant well….”_

Panic filled the room, people started running and screaming. That song meant only one thing: Death.

“Gods be damned,” Margaery told Sansa. ”We’re gonna be ok, don’t you worry.” She hugged her tightly. Arya and Gendry met Jon and Daenerys and they hurried to get out of the party. Hodor grabbed Meera and ran with Bran on his shoulders.

Sandor grabbed Sansa by the arm. “We have to get out of here. Now!” he screamed as he lifted her up and started running.

“Wait! Robb is still here! We need to help him get out too!” Sansa told him. Even though she was angry at her brother, she didn’t want him to stay in a place where such a deadly song was playing.

“Fuck the king!” Sandor yelled at her and kept running.

Theon tried to run as fast as he could but he was so dizzy he tripped and fell. Margaery gave him a hand to help him get up but it only made her fall next to him. Theon tried to snake his _leviathan_ into Margaery’s mouth again, little did the fool know he would only get bitch-slapped.

Professor Roose Bolton, Ramsay’s dad, grabbed the microphone. “Everyone! Remain calm. Leave these installations carefully. The party’s over.” But people did not do so. Everyone was running as fast as they could, pushing people that were on their way, with fear in their eyes. Everyone but Joffrey, Ramsay and Walda.

“Robb!” Walda shouted, “Don’t worry, everything’s okay. Jeyne and you can stay here. Nothing bad is gonna happen!”

“No! Guys, we need to get out!” Robb shouted desperately.

“Robb, mate, my dad says we should stay here with him and the Headmaster.” He put a hand on his shoulder. “They say everything’s ok. Just let the others leave.” Ramsay persuaded him. Walder Frey walked in from the back door.

“Daddy!” shouted Walda.

“See?” Ramsay continued with a twisted smile. “Even Walda’s dad is here. They would never allow anything bad happen to us.”

Robb hesitated for a moment and then nodded, hugging Jeyne tighter. “Okay. Jeyne, let’s stay here. We’re safe with the grown-ups.” Jeyne agreed and they both took a seat next to Ramsay.

When there was no one left but them, the music faded, and Walder Frey spoke directly to Robb.

“You little bitch,” he started. Robb turned to him.

“Excuse me?!” he replied sassily and stood up.

“You’re not excused, you fake ass lying whore.” Walder spit. “Ramsay!”

Ramsay pulled out a knife from a McAegon’s chicken breast, ran to Jeyne and stabbed her on the chest several times.

_Mmm whatcha sayyyy? Oh, that you only meant well, well of course you did._

_Mmm whatcha sayyyy? Oh, that it’s all for the best, of course it is._

Joffrey and Walda leaned on their seats, sipping red wine, enjoying the show.

“JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYNE!” Robb screamed, and ran to hold her dying body. He stared at the wounds in her bleeding chest.

“My eyes are up here, asshole.” She sighed, dying.

Robb let out a scream. “WHY?!”

“Watching your silly ass butterface girlfriend die gave me more relief than a thousand lying whores.” Walder yelled as slobber flew from his wrinkled mouth. “My daughter Walda was supposed to go with you to prom, you stupid fuck, instead of that cheap slut who sells cheap slutty auto parts. But guess what, motherfucker, your shitty family was the one that needed _us_ , and not the other way around. So I got myself a new partner in crime.” Walder Frey dropped the mic as the Headmaster walked towards him and stood next to him. Walder hugged him by the waist and he hugged Walder by the shoulders, not taking their eyes away from Robb.

“Headmaster Lannister?” Robb’s head was hurting with so much important information. “What are you-“

Ramsay stabbed him in the shoulder and Robb fell to the ground. He let out a moan and crawled towards Jeyne. He looked up at Walder Frey and tried to stand up, but he fell again. Tywin Lannister and Walder laughed hysterically and high fived each other, and then Robb stood up successfully, and faced them both.

“The King in the Prom arises,” Walder laughed.

“Don’t take it personally," said Roose Bolton as he took out a gun. "Everyone related to Sean Bean dies, remember?” He shot Robb once. A clean shot on the head. Robb’s body fell on top of Jeyne’s. “HEADSHOT!” shouted Roose and ran to high five Walder and Tywin at the same time.

_Mmm whatcha sayyyy? Oh, that you only meant well, well of course you did._

_Mmm whatcha sayyyy? Oh, that it’s all for the best, of course it is._

The hooded person in the stage took his hood off.

“Oh, Petyr!” the Headmaster said. “I didn’t know you were here. Those were some killer tunes you were playing.”

“I know right,” replied Petyr Baelish, “Luckily for us, I will play them one more time.”

Joffrey clapped symmetrically like a little seal, his loud laugh annoying everyone in the room, and took another shot of Pisco. “Yeah, Petyr, don’t stop playing it! Mmmmm whatcha say, GODS! What a great song.” Petyr rolled his eyes at the sound of his high-pitched laugh. “I just can’t believe what losers the Starks are. He’s dead! AHAHHAHAHAHHA! He’s dea-“ he started coughing non-stop. He put his hands on his throat and his face started getting as purple as Barney the Dinosaur.

“What’s happening to him?!” the Headmaster asked, running to him.

“Oh, I guess it’s just the booze, Headmaster.” Ramsay replied, lighting a cigarette. “He’s always been a lightweight little bitch.”

“Ramsay, he’s choking!” Walda shouted in horror.

Joffrey fell to the floor on top of Robb Stark, who was on top of Jeyne Westerling. He tried to crawl to his grandfather, but his body betrayed him and he gathered the strength to say his final three words:

“Fucking Peruvian Pisco.” He stopped moving abruptly.

_Mmm whatcha sayyyy? Oh that you only meant well…_

And for the first time in hundreds of years, the world’s eyes shone red at the dread sight of a bloodbath.  Carmine rivers streaked from the center of the dance floor. Lust and fun had turned to ashes in people’s mouths.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope this was as fun to read as it was to write. We're just a bunch of peruvians trying to havea good laugh while we wait for TWOW.  
> Find me on tumblr as jonsnoe!
> 
> These are some memes/internet trends that we used in this chapter:  
> -White boys who shoot up schools  
> -Aesthetic  
> -The Blue/Black or White/Gold dress  
> -"I’m a Khaleesi, not a queen. For fuck’s sake, mate!”  
> -Olenna Tyrell is 99% inspired in Regina George's mom.  
> -The Hound's undying love for chicken.  
> -“Ah, you must be Ned Stark’s bastard."  
> -Matthew McConaughey's "alright alright alright"  
> -Mmmm whatcha sayyyy


	2. The Red Funeral: The Fire Awakens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One chapter just wasn’t enough. Buckle up for The Red FUNeral.

****Sorrow and pain filled the hearts of every person in Kinks Landing. The deaths of the young Stark and Lannister heirs were all over the news:

CONFIRMED: White trash is red on the inside

NASDAQ confirms positive correlation between Stark Motors’ share price in the stock market and number of dead Starks.

”STARK WARS”

“The ZODIAC KILLER back on the run”

“MAIN SUSPECTS: Young-adult literature best-selling author John Green and U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz”

”My son was no lightweight bitch” Cersei Lannister affirms.

”CALL ME CATLYN” -Catlyn Stark

#SHAME: Cersei Lannister’s LEAKED NUDES.

 

Mario Testino had appeared at the scene of crime, taking pictures of the dancefloor. He took some killer photos of the victims, literally. Blood had spread all over through thin rivulets and when it solidified, it acquired a crimson tone and became crusty. Bloodshed ultimately painted a dreadful message on the floor: “little”, which suggested that the killer has a very tiny part of the body.

  
The death of two white trash kids was national news thanks to the Fox News coverage. The reporters ran to interview the students and possible witnesses of the events.

“Excuse me,” the reporter Xaro Xhoan Daxos asked Margaery Tyrell. “Is there anyone you think might be the killer?”

“Well, Robb and Joffrey were not bad people. They did not have any enemies at school whatsoever. There’s only one kid who we _think_ could be involved, judging by his weird attitude at class every day…” she cleared her throat. “I think Kakashi could be behind this.”

“Who is Kakashi?” asked the reporter, confused.

“Kakashi from accounting class!” said Margaery, rolling her eyes, stating the obvious. “Also, asians have very tiny wieners.”

“It is known,” Dany agreed.

“You know nothing,” Ygritte told her. “I fucked Kakashi that night, after you took my date from me.”

“Anyway, if it’s not him,” Margaery continued “I think Joffrey’s mom could be behind Robb’s death. I’ve heard she’s like a really troubled woman with some sick alcoholic issues and a never ending lust for money, power, etcetera.”

“Thank you for sharing this with us.” Xaro Xhoan Daxos told her. “Would you like to tell us something else?”

“I’m a vegan,” Margaery smiled.

“Gods!” Arianne yelled from behind. “Stop telling everyone about it! Nobody gives half a fuck”

* * *

“Oh, Jesus Christ!” Sansa scowled. Everyone in the room turned to look at her in confusion.

“I mean…..Holy Mother Warrior Father Smith Maiden Crone and Stranger”

“What’s wrong, honey?” Margaery asked as she approached her. Her nipples straightened, but she crossed her arms fast enough to cover them before anyone noticed.

Sansa’s clique was at her house that evening, helping her cope with her mourning.

“Joffrey’s funeral will be on Wednesday, the same day as Robb’s.” she said. “What if nobody shows up at my brother’s funeral? What if everyone chooses to go to Joffrey’s? I heard his grandpa cooks a killer paella, maybe people will prefer to go to his funeral.”

“Come on,” Arianne told her. “We’ll make sure Robb’s funeral is lit AF. It will have the best food, the best drinks, the best music, people will _beg_ you to come to his funeral.”

“What about Jeyne’s funeral, though?” Jon asked. “Won’t it be the same day as theirs?”

“Who?” Arianne asked. Margaery shrugged.

“Alright, I’ll create a Facebook event now for Robb’s funeral,” Margaery grabbed her phone. “I’ll make all of you admins so we all can invite all of our Facebook friends to the funeral.”

“Well….” Jon furrowed his brow. “Don’t bother making me an admin.”

“Why not?” Dany asked, sitting beside him on the couch.

“Because this fucking hipster right here doesn’t even have a Facebook account.” Sansa laughed, and so did Margaery and Arianne. However, Dany felt butterflies in her stomach. _Why do I always fall for the emo hipsters?_ Jon blushed and they made eye contact for ⅓ milliseconds.

“Gods, Jon!” Margaery intervened. “Why don’t you have a Facebook account? Do you live in the Ice Age?”

 _“The cold never bothered me anyway,”_ Daenerys whispered lustily in his ear and placed a hand on his knee. Jon straightened his back feeling thrilled, agitated, aroused.

“SO,” Sansa cleared her throat. “I think your grandma just arrived to pick you up, Marg.”

Olenna Tyrell bursted into the room, all eyes on her.

“Well, a big _hetero_ hello to all of you”, she chortled, “save for you two”, she continued, pointing a finger to Margaery and Sansa. The lesbos gaped at her, but laughed along with the rest. The crone waved enthusiastically at everyone in the room, her spirit as young as ever. “What is the 411? What has everybody been up to? What is the hot gossip?”

“We’re planning Robb Stark’s funeral so that people will rather go to his than Joffrey’s,” her granddaughter told her.

“Hell yeah.” Olenna said, “after all, you can’t spell funeral without _fun_.”

“Nor can you spell slaughter without _laughter_!” Margaery giggled gaily.

“Nor can you spell happiness without peni…” Arianne’s mouth was covered by an eye-rolling Sansa. She also covered Myrcella’s mouth before she could finish saying “you can’t spell twincest without win”. Olenna ignored the dornish and incestuous trash and turned her head to her grandchild.

“Oh sweetie, I’m so proud of you”. They hi5’ed and slapped each other’s butts. “Now, let’s take our leave. We’re running late to wax our pubic hair”

* * *

After the Tyrells left the Stark residence, Jon told Dany he wanted to show her his music vinyls. He led her upstairs, and Dany noticed a black door in the middle of the hallway. It was, undoubtedly, Jon’s room. _xXWelcome To My Twisted MindXx_ , read a sign on it. He opened the door for her and they walked in.

Dany was speechless. She had never seen a room of the sort. Despite his family’s wealth, Jon had no TV, no computer. He only had a turntable and a typewriter; and he didn’t use electricity, only candles. _That’s hot_ , she thought to herself. His turntable was in a drawer beside his bed, and he had a giant box full of vinyls below it. She sat on his bed next to him while she skimmed through his vinyls.

“Which one’s your favourite?” Dany smiled.

He ran his fingers through all the discs and pulled up a vinyl in a white package.

“The Wall,” Jon said as he handed it to her. “by Pink Floyd.”

“A great album.” Dany said. “Although, my favourite band is Imagine Dragons. I would love to have a dragon, but this is the real world so I can only imagine them. But let’s listen to The Wall for a while.” She took the disc out of its package and was trying to place it on the turntable, but she couldn’t fit it properly.

“Let me,” Jon said as he took the vinyl from her hands, aware of his fingers against hers. “I know where to put it.” Dany met his gaze. She understood that he wanted the same as she did. He placed the disc on the turntable and its music filled the room.

So without wasting any more time she grabbed the back of his neck and kissed him. He buried his hands in her hair and kissed her harder.

“Remember our time at the bus the other night?” he said as he lowered his hands to the small of her back, “I knew where to put it”.

Dany couldn’t wait any longer. She broke the kiss to sit on his lap and wrap her legs around his waist. “Help me remember,” she smiled against his lips, “‘cause Roger Waters’ voice is making my mouth water...and other parts too.”

“I have a sword in the darkness.” Jon said as they laid on the bed.

* * *

“I gotta go,” Jon told her after ~~they~~ he was finished. “I have to go to the barber to get a haircut and then to the Apple Store.”

“Why do you have to go to the Apple Store?” Dany told him as she watched him get out of bed.

“For The Watch,” Jon said sharply as he clenched his fist.

* * *

Sansa and Margaery were chatting in the living room on a small couch. Sansa seemed a little off to Margaery, who was always quick to get a fix on what was happening to her beloved. “Hey sweetie, I know what you must be going through. My brother Willas crippled the shit out of himself once. I felt devast8ed, almost as much as he did. I know it’s barely the same, but I just want you to know I’m here for you.” _And hopefully I can be IN you soon enough_.

“Oh Marg, you’re as sweet as a lemon pie, but this is not really about my brother. That selfish-ass fucked up spoiled prep was bitching about not being able to get into Jeyne’s pants when he wasn’t whining about not having abs or a private jet”, she replied almost angry, remembering the stupid ass fuck of a brother she used to have. “It’s about us.”

“What is it with us?” Margaery asked innocently. “I thought you enjoyed last night”

“Gods, I did”. Sansa recalled her time with her at the stall. The memory made her moan. Everyone turned around and Sansa flushed. Margaery had a thing (or more like a kink) for the red color, so seeing more red in Sansa than just her hair made her almost drool.

“You know what could clear up your mind a bit? We could Netflix and chill upstairs” Margaery suggested. Sansa agreed without hesitation.

On their way up, they stumbled on Olenna, who winked at Margaery and gave Sansa the wriest of smiles. “Ugh, grandma is such a gossip crone” she whispered, almost sounding like she was complaining. “Love her though”.

“Love you too, creampie. You know, I may be old, but my hearing is just as sharp as ever. I could still make a great Spider, just like that creepy round ass eunuch Varys, although I’d prefer to spy lovers and stuff, and thangs, you know, to keep up with the royal 411, bitches!” the crone cachinnated. “Oh, by the way, do you girls want some snacks? A daiquiri? A condom? Just let me know ASAP, ugh I love you”.

“We’ll let you know grandma” Sansa replied and winked before Margaery could reply. She was actually really fond of Olenna and just blurted it out. Besides, she was a Stark, family members’ deaths were almost a daily thing so she thought she’d best bond with other uncursed people or anyone who wasn’t related to Sean Bean. They resumed their way up the stairs into the bedroom.

“Soooo, what do you wanna watch?” Margaery asked while Sansa was locking the door. Sansa, who was clumsy AF, dropped her phone. When she bent down to pick it up, her underwear cracked. The sound was music to Margaery’s ears. Unsurprisingly, Sansa’s whole body reddened, so her pink legs were also a kinky sight to the Highgayden girl.

Sansa turned around and saw Margaery standing right in front. The distance between them narrowed by the second. “Orange is the New Black, Carol or Je Te Mangerais?”, she whispered flirtatiously. _Je te mangerais right now_ , both girls thought to themselves.

Sansa grabbed Margaery's cheek and ferociously pressed her lips against hers. She felt Margaery touching her breasts and then saying: “Dan Nicky, your bobbie s”

Sansa, albeit usually stupid, grasped the fact that Margaery had actual, _real_ feelings for her.

“Look, I get it, I know it was rough at the stall, but I don’t wanna hate-fuck anymore. Now that it’s all clear to both of us, I wanna love-fuck” Marg told her.

“Wow, that’s so unappealing my nipples inverted”, Sansa rolled her eyes. “But, I think I do get your point” she added sweetly. No sooner did she take off her pants than Margaery gasped in surprise when she took notice of Sansa’s nasty Victoria’s Secret underwear, all torn up, with one command printed on it: “Kiss this”.

* * *

“I’m going to a funeral,” Jon told the barber as he sat ready to get a new haircut. “Give me something that makes me look very mopey and hipster and Kylo Ren and Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven-Way looking.”

“Say no more,” the barber replied. “Alright it’s 50 pounds.”

“But you didn’t do shit!” Jon scowled.

“Oi, mate, you already got that look.”

“So why should I pay you?”

“Cause time is money, money is power, power is pizza and pizza is knowledge.” the barber said as he crossed his arms. Jon couldn’t argue with a Parks & Rec logic, so he took out his wallet and paid him, cursing capitalism under his breath.

* * *

“Mum! I think this outfit will suit me well for the funeral!” Tommen chortled as he pranced into Cersei’s kinkroom. She used to lock herself in that room with his uncle Jaime while the P.E. teacher Brienne was at the Triathlon.

Surprise filled his belly. His ears felt numb. His sight was clouded. His dick shrank. His rosary fell from his hands.

His mum was standing next to a nun, leaning over her, while she poured some wine on her face. Furthermore, the nun was tied and chained like Tupac Amaru or Theon Greyjoy during his affair with Ramsay Bolton. Cersei was torturing this sister of the Faith.

Cersei quickly looked up at him when he came in.

“Tomm, I can explain...I…” Cersei mumbled.

“No, mum! I can’t believe you’re betraying an innocent religious person!” He said as he ran from the room. Cersei chased after him, but he just wanted to be left alone and pray some more to the Se7en Gods.

He ran some more, and suddenly, when he was going down the stairs, he tripped with his pussy, Ser Pounce, and fell from the twentieth floor.

* * *

The day of the funeral was an exceptionally snowy day. The house was full of heaters to give a warm welcome to the guests, but Robb’s body was being displayed on the outside yard so that it could be preserved by the cold. The Stark siblings were welcoming every guest that walked in, they were expecting the whole hood. This was gonna be a fun evening.

Margaery arrived to the Stark’s residence with gluten-free food containers.

“Oh, thank Gods you arrived, sweetie,” Cat greeted her, kissing her cheek, “You are the first to give a speech for Robb today. But what is that shitty-looking moss-ass food you’re carrying?”

“Gluten-Free food, ma’am,” Margaery smiled, hiding her hatred for her Tully mother-in-law. “You know, we have to preserve the ozone layer that is all over Highgarden, you know.

“Is it called Highgarden because it is a garden full of weed that makes you all high?” asked Rickon.

“Of course it is,” Marg answered, “That’s why they call me the moss-ass bitch.”

Daenerys Stubborn Targaryen walked in after her.

“DAMNNN DANY BACK AT IT AGAIN WITH THE WHITE AND GOLD DRESS.” Margaery said. “DIDN’T YOU KNOW YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO WEAR BLACK TO A FUNERAL?”

“Fuck this shit man, everyone sees it as blue and black, so I’m good.” Dany blurted.

“I think she looks gorgeous,” said Yara, Theon Greyjoy’s sister. Jon held Dany by the waist, dubious of the girl’s intentions. He was wearing shoes with skulls on them, as goth as the occasion was.

“WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOSE” said Theon. “You’re dressed like someone had just died,” he joked, trying his best to make his friends laugh just like the authors of this fic are doing right now.

“Did you notice the weather today?” Dany asked Jon. “Snow came,” she said as she winked an eye at him. Jon felt deez nuts tightening at her innuendo. The previous night came to his mind once again:

 _Let it go, let it go,_ Dany gasped in his mouth.

 _Can’t hold it back anymore,_ Jon moaned before spending himself inside her.

_Oh jesus fuck holy mother father warrior smith stranger maiden jon jon jooon jOON JOOOOOON CENAAAAAAAAAA!!!!_

It had been the best night of his life.

 

 

Cersei Lannister bursted into the room, all eyes on her. The kill bill siren started playing.

“What the fuck is this fucking bitch doing the fuck here in my fucking funeral?” Catelyn shouted.

“Wow, that Gucci dress looks gorg af on her,” Renly told Sansa.

Catelyn approached Cersei with a sly smile.

“ _Hello. It’s me._ ” Cersei told her in an Adele voice, holding a cigarette, which had a sparkling light-green filter.

“Don’t tell me you’re smoking weed at my son’s funeral,” Cat snapped, a furrowed brow on her face.

“The green is not cannabis sativa,” Cersei replied, “it is a very special object of mine. It’s just green because it matches my eyes.” She exhaled the smoke from her mouth. “So,” she continued, “where’s the wine?”

Catelyn ignored her question. “What are you doing here, Cersei?”

“My youngest son just died too,” she said as she took a sip from the cup of wine Rickon handed her. She gave a soft kick to her son’s corpse lying on her feet. “Can we come in?”

Cat rolled her eyes and took a step to her side and let Cersei kick her son into the house.

“Mom, why is Cersei Lannister bringing in dead bodies into our house?” asked Sansa in horror.

“Her son just died, hon. You should be a little more considerate.” Cat replied.

“No, I mean. Robb’s body is outside because the heat of the house could decompose it, shouldn’t this kid be outside too?”

“Oh right, I forgot about that,” Cat told Sansa.

“Well, no problem,” Cersei answered, “someone just fucking help me carry him outside.”

* * *

Margaery Tyrell, who was standing in the podium holding the microphone, cleared her throat in preparation for her speech about Robb’s death. She had been one of Robb’s closest friends in high school so she had prepared this speech with anticipation.

“Robb Stark, such a great friend. Where do I begin? Remember that one time he had enough courage to stand up to his total drunken hysterical pretentious unbearable bitch of a mother who didn’t want him to go with Jeyne to Prom? Oh, my dear Robb,” she sighed “I was half a virgin when I met him. Always wanting to be the captain of the Lacrosse team but had a mum who was too overprotective to let him. Remember that time when-”

Suddenly, Cersei Lannister walked up to the podium and snatched the microphone from Margaery’s hand, while she grabbed her cup of red wine firmly with her other hand. “Marg, I’m really happy for you, and Imma let you finish...but Joffrey’s was gonna have one of the best funerals of all time.”

Margaery’s jaw dropped to the floor in awe. Everyone was motionless, waiting to hear what Cersei had to say.

“My family is the most important thing in the world,” she said with a broken voice. “My children, my brothers, everyone. This was supposed to be a Lannister night. And none of you-”

“Since when do you care so much about your family?!” Dany yelled from the other side of the room. “We all know that you only care about your money, whores and wine.”

“YAS QUEEEEEN!” Arianne shouted, cheering Dany.

“No. Yas _Khaleesi_.” Dany corrected her,

“What are you talking about?” Cersei replied in awe. “I love everyone in my family. I love Jaime, Joffrey, Myrcella, Tommen and…” she hesitated as she looked at a smudged writing on her hand “Thyroid”.

“Thyroid cancer is what I’m going to give you if you don’t shut the fuck up you piece of golden dung” Tyrion said from below.

“I said everything I had to say. I advise you all to come to my son’s funeral and leave this rathole, we have a better paella there.” Cersei snapped. “This will not be forgotten by our family nor our company. We will remember how zero fucks were given by the Starks, the Martells, the Targaryens...oh sorry, the _Targaryen_ , I forgot for a sec you don’t have a family sweetie; and ESPECIALLY the Tyrells.” She gave Margaery a death stare and said, “And now...back to this bitch that had a lot to say about me the other day in the press...Margaery, what’s good?!”

Everyone in the room let out a gasp. Margaery’s legs shook in terror. She had no idea Cersei had watched Fox News the day Margaery told the press she thought Cersei was the Zodiac killer.

“Well, sorry for the inconvenience.” she said, bedazzled, overwhelmed by the feeling of being judged by everyone in the room. “Let’s...keep the party going. You can approach the buffet table and try the delicious menu we have prepared, which includes some vegan options!” She placed the mic on the podium and walked down slowly, holding back her tears. Sansa ran to give her a warm hug.

“Awwww, Margaery and Sansa are really close friends, right?” Harold, the butler, asked Arianne.

“HAROLD, they’re _lesbians_ . They’re _lesbianing_ together.” Arianne replied, astounded by his naivety.

Sansa proceeded to grab the microphone.“Listen everyone, let’s give a warm welcome to my sister who will be playing guitar for us tonight! (danih). Come on in Arya.”

Arya walked up the podium carrying her guitar and sat down on a stool. She lowered the mic to her level.

“Hello,” she said. “So, I’ll start out with a song that really helps us understand grief and the death of a loved one. I hope you like it.”

She positioned the guitar on her legs and started feeling the chords in her fingertips as she swept through them just like Gendry had done to her foot tendons during sex.

The song started:

_How can you see into my eyes like open doors?_

“Gods, I love this song,” Jon muttered under his breath, delighted by how emo he felt and how the song awoke the darkest of emotions and thoughts inside of him.

_Wake me up, wake me up inside!_

“Psst, Jon,” Bran told him, “who’s that old guy standing at the window? Why isn’t he in here?”

Jon turned and saw Jorah Mormont, the creepy old teacher who had been stalking Dany, standing outside.

“He’s like...pedobear...real life version,” Jon said.

 _“Hello from the other siiiiiiiide!”_ Jorah screamed while he stood in the snow, waiting for someone to open the door for him.

* * *

"I can't believe Margaery talked shit about Cersei on national tv," Jon told Sansa, "that woman is clearly upset, I hope nothing happens to Margaery."

“I think she'll be fine," Sansa told his bastard brother. "And, hey, do you remember that reporter, Xaro Xhoan Daxos, who interviewed her at prom?” Sansa asked him.

“Yeah,” Jon said, “what about him?”

“He was my first,” she smiled.

“Nice”, said Jon, cold as ever, but with a slight smile on his face, “I thought black was only my colour, I didn’t know it was yours too, sister.”

* * *

“This BBQ tastes delicious, Cat.” Stannis Baratheon told her as he sipped his cup of wine.

“Call me Catlyn,” Cat told him in a Kardashian voice.

The Facebook event was a success. Everyone in Kinks’ Landing had attended to Robb’s funeral, his teachers, his whole family, even Stannis’ golddigger girlfriend, the Red Woman, Melisandre of the Soviet Union. Everyone in Winterhell High School was there. The Starks couldn’t be more happy about it.

“I’d like to try that BBQ as well, Catlyn,” Stannis’ daughter, Shireen, intervened.

“Alright,” Cat answered as she placed a piece of meat in Shireen’s plate.

“Watch out honey, you could burn yourself.” The Red Woman told her stepdaughter. Cat noticed she had a huge red necklace tittivating her slender, young neck.

 _This girl is on fire!_ Arya Stark was singing in the background.

“Sansa,” Cat told her, “could you please go to the kitchen and bring a few vodka gummy bears?”

“Sure thing,” said Sansa, and left to the kitchen.

 

When she was grabbing the bowl of gummy bears, she jerked as someone grabbed her waist from behind.

“Damn girl, you shit with that ass?” Littlefinger told her in a lascivious, libidinous, carnal way.

“And you are?” Sansa asked him.

“I’m the guy your mom should have married, and you look just like her. Gods, I love my women in the kitchen.”

“That’s sexist,” Sansa scowled.

“Sexiest? Yeah, just like your ass,” Littlefinger said as Sansa rolled her eyes. “Anyway, I came here to share a vital piece of information with you.”

“Go on,” said Sansa, as she pulled out her AK-47.

“Calm down,” he said, “I’m just passing by to tell you that your brother’s killer was Ramsay Bolton.”

“Huh? And why are you telling me this?”

“Because I want you,” he said as he narrowed the distance between their bodies. Sansa cocked the gun, pointing it to his face.

“Do not step closer,” She exclaimed.

“Oh, can’t you see? You belong with me.”

“Oh my Gosh, lower your voice, Taylor Swift’s gonna sue you.”

* * *

“Thank you so much for listening!” said Arya, as if the guests had a choice. “Now I’m gonna be singing Hotline Bling by Drake. This song is about how my brother doesn’t call me on my cell phone anymore.” she was trying her hardest to hold back her tears,”BECAUSE HE’S DEAD!”

 

Ramsay was smoking a cigarrette alone in the backyard. The noise was giving him a headache.

“Alright Sansa, I’ve got eyes on eyes on target now” Jon told Sansa via walkie-talkie.

“Clear?” Sansa asked Jon.

“Clear, time to kill the psyhoe flaying brother-slaying motherfucker”. Jon replied

“Roger that” Sansa pulled down the lever to release the unfed hounds.

“Fuck, our stupid-ass prep brother Rickon was outside this whole time, how could we not notice?” Jon uttered worried.

“Shite, Jon, he doesn’t even know how to run properly” Sansa replied.

“Run, RICKON, RUN!” he said. The hounds caught Ramsay first, which gave Rickon some time. Unfortunately, he could only run in zig-zag instead of straight line like he was supposed to, so he got eaten too.

“Well, at least Ramsay died”, Sansa said.

* * *

Stannis took out a pack of cigars from his pocket and put one in his mouth.

“Shireen, got a light?” He asked his daughter.

“Daddy you know I’ve always loved randomly baking gingerbread princesses” she put in happily. “Fire turns on the shit out of me” she almost failed to hold a moan. “Let me grab my limited edition dragonbreath zippo for you”. Her zippo accidentally fell from her hands as she was pulling it out of her pocket.

“Let me grab that for you, child,” Melisandre said. The commie leaned down to grab the zippo and suddenly, her ostentatious necklace fell to the ground.

An old, wrinkled, white, saggy, russian crone was handing Shireen her zippo.

“What the fuck are you?” Shireen exclaimed in horror. She was no more the pretty young lady with skin as soft as a baby’s buttcheeks.

“Bitch you say one word and Imma burn the shit out of you,” Melisandre threatened her as she put back her necklace.

“Ew,” Stannis said in a Jimmy Fallon voice.

“My lord, I might look a thousand years old, but experience makes the master. Who do you think wrote the Kamasutra?” Melisandre replied proudly and smirked after Stannis raised an eyebrow in awe.

* * *

Cersei was eavesdropping a chit-chat between Arianne and Sansa. “Oh my gosh Sansa, thank you so much for inviting us to your funeral party. This’s been the second most fun night ever after prom, it feels like it was only yesterday”

“Bitch, it was yesterday”, Sansa giggled

“I bet your arse that the Lannister’s funeral wasn’t as dope-ass as this one” Arianne mocked.

“You stupid fucks, how fucking dare you talk so lightly about my dead son’s party? I am the one who lights up the party, I even brought a dead body to this place”

“Honey, you only care about yourself.” Arianne snapped back.

“Yeah, no one cares about Joff or Tomm, not even you.” Sansa added.

”Im out of here, this place sucks major dick, just like that slut mother of yours,” Cersei complained. “I will burn this place to the ground just as I burnt the Tower of the Handjob” she muttered to herself

Cersei sneaked away while everyone was focused on Arya’s performance _(We gonna let it burn burn burn burn, we gonna let it burn burn burn burn)._ She pulled a wildfire cigarette out of her Dolce  & Gabbana purse and walked around the whole place, letting small drops of the deadliest fire soak the grass. She had bought a new brand of wildfire which only reacted in contact with regular fire. _Father wouldn’t’ve done it better._ When she was done, she lit a cigar, hit it a couple times and flung it classily at the wildfire trail she’d left.

“Yeah bro!” Theon scowled as he saw the green cigarette, “4/20 BLAZE IT”

A vicious firesnake blazed around the entire funeral. Desperate screams ensued. Cersei began to giggle, then to chuckle, next to chortle, and finally sighed.

“Yaaas girl, you were right! You totally know how to light up a party!” Arianne shouted drunkenly.

Finally, Arya sang with her heart, the last song of the evening, while Cersei sang along:

_Holy water cannot help you now_

_A thousand armies couldn't keep me out_

_I don't want your money_

_I don't want your crown_

_See I have come  to burn your kingdom down_

_Holy water cannot help you now_

_See I've come to burn your kingdom down_

_And no rivers and no lakes can put the fire out_

_I'm gonna raise the stakes, I'm gonna_ _smoke you out_

_Seven devils all around you!_

_Seven devils in House Stark!_

 

“Honey, your house is on fire, you should probably get out,” Dany told Arya, worried for her sister-in-law.

“What about you?” Arya asked her.

“I’m good, I’m gonna stay right the fuck here. I hate this fucking dress anyway.”

* * *

Everybody saved themselves from the fire…except Shireen.

“Told you this funeral was gonna be lit,” Arianne said to Sansa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout-out to the co-author of this story, Paolo, and to Valeria and Attilio for helping us with more ideas and jokes for this story. Writing this fic has been one of the funniest things about the last two summers. #UP
> 
> Finally, the memes in this chapter were:  
> -Zodiac Killer: Ted Cruz/John Green  
> -Call me Catlyn  
> -Fox News' racism and shitiness  
> -Kakashi from accounting class.  
> -Vegans  
> -"A big hetero hello to all of you" from Orange is the New Black  
> -Welcome to my Twisted mind  
> -Kylo Ren's emo phase  
> -My immortal (Ebony)  
> -Jon Snow: "I know where to put it"  
> -Mean girls: Olenna as Regina George's mom  
> -Hate-fuck/Love-fuck from OITNB  
> -Barber: "say no more"  
> -Time is money, money is power, etc. from Parks and Rec  
> -DAMN DANIEL! BACK AT IT AGAIN WITH THE WHITE VANS  
> -Frozen: Let it go, let it go  
> -JOHHHHN CENAAAAAA  
> -Adele's Hello  
> -Mean Girls: I was half a virgin when i met him  
> -KANYE GRABBING TAYLOR SWIFT'S MIC AT THE VMA'S "IMMA LET YOU FINISH"  
> -Nicki Minaj: "MILEY WHAT'S GOOD?"  
> -*looks at smudged writing on hand*  
> -HAROLD, they're lesbians  
> -Shireen being burned like BBQ  
> -Taylor Swift's gonna sue you  
> -Rickon not being able to run like a NORMAL PERSON!!! god
> 
> -PD: Tupac Amaru was a Peruvian historical figure


End file.
